Me and my chickenheartedness 

I hate this. This constant feeling of butterflies in my abdominal, and not in a romantical way. It’s as if I have anxiety, but at the same time I don’t have a big issue to wonder about the whole day. I’m scared, empty, happy, yet lonely at the same time. I feel normal, which is scaring the crab out of me.

The feeling of being ordinary. God, oh god, please don’t make me feel as if I’m, well, average. 

A friend asked me what was the happiest moment of my life, I felt that feeling, the anxiety, emptiness. The truth is I couldn’t think of anything; therefore, i felt a cold sweat. I couldn’t think of anything. Was i never happy? Impossible, I always loved going out and hanging with my family. But it wasn’t the happiest, it was normal. What about reading? No, i felt calmness, not happiness. Talking? Laughing? Shopping? Eating? Dancing? God what makes me the happiest?

I run away when I feel comfortable with someone, which probably explains my sense of introvertness. I like reading, but just to get away from reality.

 I basically do anything possible to not make me feel great happiness, cause I’m constantly afraid it might be taken away from me. 

So is this the answer? Is this why I’m feeling quite funk-esh in my stomach? Because I’m okay now? 

I made a reputation of myself for being the coldest person in the circle, so how is it possible for me to feel anxious now? I need to find some solution to stop feeling this way, because it’s freaking me out. 


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